What is Queer?

So, Autumn is here, the weather is turning (in the UK anyway) & my queerness is thriving! But what does Queer even mean?

Imagine one of those massive quilts that has been hand made; with each square patch taken from a funky, unique piece of material. This quilt may have started small & maybe there weren’t that many colourful patches to sew together at the beginning, but over time & with the adventure of looking for patches to add to the quilt, it began to grow! It began to feel like your own. It was random & fun & a bit of a mess, but it was yours & it was made with love.

This quilt may never be finished. You may want to remove patches & replace them with others. You may accidentally spill some wine on it, or tug a thread too tight, but who cares when you’re just using it to keep warm?

This is just one example of what queerness could feel like & it’s important to know that every quilt will be unique, yet perfectly odd!

Being queer is about your authentic individuality. Whether that regards your sexuality or gender. No-one can tell you if you’re not queer, or queer enough! Your queerness is for you to own & no-one can take that from you, no matter how hard they try. It’s yours, not theirs!

My queerness revolves around my gender. I am Gender Queer (yay!). This is a constant journey for me - a journey that sometimes isn’t easy! I used to have she/her pronouns, but now I used she/they. In fact I feel a switch coming on soon to they/she! I’m taking my time to express my queerness in my own way & expect others to just be in the background, respecting how I present myself.

I am not a woman. I am not a lady! I am not female. I am me. I am Bima. I am human.

It does not matter what my body looks like, what genitals are between my legs or how my voice sounds. That’s just how I was made, out of my control. But what’s inside is what feels like a rainbow of difference. Who I am, is someone I can control. Not that I chose to be gender queer - that's not what I am saying. It’s that I can control how I present myself, how I feel about myself, how I name myself. My expression is how I show my queerness. I recently cut all my hair off. Why? Because I can!

I paint my nails. I love the rainbow. I never wear makeup. I like shaving my legs. I dye my hair pink. I dislike dresses and skirts. All of these “things” have no gender to me, I just do them (or not) because they’re what I enjoy! That’s it.

My gender journey is my own. It will not look the same as someone else’s. I, of course, as a therapist, have empathy & understanding to those who are queer (and not), but I can never presume to think we’re entirely the same. That would remove your individuality! But I know the struggles & I know how the world is currently against us. I also know I have the privilege of being white, able-bodied & being able to pass as a woman if needed. A privilege that not everyone has.

Queerness in sexuality is also a thing! That could mean you’re pansexual - enjoying all the genders. It could mean you’re gay or lesbian or bi. We mustn’t also forget those who are Ace - Asexual or Aromantic. The LGBTQIA+ list is long. This is a good thing! The labels are out there to make sure you fit in (if you want to). There are many labels so that you don’t have to just pick one! You can fluctuate between labels, or no labels at all. This is your business.

I started using Queer as my term, then I used Gender Non Conforming, now I call myself Gender Queer - I think one day I may be enby (non binary). Who knows! Am I eccentric? No? Maybe? Who cares! I most certainly am not indecisive though! Queerness is always in process, it is hardly ever fixed. If I change my mind, or if my mind changes it for me, I will follow, without judgement! And so should you.

Be kind to queer folk. Respect their journey. Respect their pronouns & names.

Don’t like the word queer? That’s fair enough. It has a negative history. But a lot of us are taking it back! So you may feel offended with the word, that is OK and valid. But I do not & this is also OK and valid.

This blog post may still leave you confused. Maybe that’s ok. Queerness isn’t straightforward. It’s a big ball of wobbly wobbly timey wimey stuff (Doctor Who fans all wave!) If you’re curious about someone, ask permission to ask about them. They may welcome questions, they may not. Respect that.

But I pose you this question. If it’s not comfortable for you to sit in the unknown of someone’s queerness, is that really us Queer folk’s problem?

Maybe it’s ok to not know it all. Maybe we don’t need to fully understand to respect. Not everything is our business. It is what it is. We have to trust this.

To the queer folk out there - you are not alone! I see you, I hear you. You are wonderful & joyous! Your pain is valid, the struggle is real & I’m here if you need.